The obvious reason why Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s relationship won’t last: Jana Hocking (2024)

Guys, I don’t know if you’ve heard … butTaylor Swift is in town.

I know, she really flew under the radar with that news. But I promise you, she’s here and her new fella, Travis Kelce, is too.

It got me thinking about them. Intimately. And I realized that Tay Tay, just like me, has really enjoyed some dating eras. (See what I did there? Eras. Oh, Jana, you are a riot.)

There was the Long and Lanky English Lad Era. We’re talkingHarry Styles,Joe AlwynandTom Hiddleston. I quite liked this for her. She could hide out in the romantic English countryside when she needed respite from being a big, famous pop star. She could pop into quaint local pubs for a G&T and a bit of banter. Perhaps pop into H&M for a cute date night outfit.

I get it. I’ve enjoyed a brief stay in that era. I mean, anyone who has watched“Peaky Blinders”has suddenly found themselves shamelessly drawn to a rough English twang. Throw in a hint of tweed and a newsboy cap and I’ll be chatting you up faster than Pepe Le Pew.

Then there was the Actor Era —Taylor LautnerandJake Gyllenhaal. I’m just sad she never hooked up with Brad Pitt post his divorce because that would have been quite the trifecta.

I still remember my brief fling with a former soap star. Lord, that man was unhinged, but I miss the theatrics of it all. Sure, it can be a bit tedious sharing the spotlight and constantly feeding their fragile egos, but with drama comes passion. A fine era to think upon fondly.

Then we come to the Musician Era —Matt Healy,John Mayer,Joe Jonas. God have mercy on any gal who can turn down a man holding a guitar or banging on some drums. I personally loved this era for Taylor, and myself.

I remember dating a drummer called Wayne Keene for a while. Yes, that was his real name — sound it out and try not to giggle. I’m not sure if it was the drums, the eye contact while he drummed, or that fine sense of rhythm that he also brought to the bedroom, but that was certainly a fun era to visit.

Which brings us toTravis. The Footballer Era. Safe to say, I’ve enjoyed this era once or twice. OK, three times. So sue me. I like muscles.

That’s why I can say without a doubt that this relationship will be simply that, an era. Not a lifetime.

Ooof, I can hear the Swifties coming for me now. But trust me on this, myfriendship bracelet-wearing readers. It’s not going to last.

She comes from a creative background — she’s a glorious musical magician at heart. And he catches a ball. And runs. And dives.

She sits in her bedroom writing songs and playing with fluffy cats. He chugs beer and talks sports with the boys.

Although, to be fair, they both wear asequined outfitrather well. Did you see the suit he wore to the Super Bowl? Very … umm … sparkly.

But listen, as someone who has sat though many a date with a “sporty person” searching for anything to discuss that we may have in common, I can tell you right now this relationship is built on lust, lust and more lust.

They’re not discussing Freud, or love languages, or unpacking the secret meaning behind some of the best song lyrics of all time.

No. Instead, he’s asking her if she thought he looked “electric” on the field. (That is a direct quote — if we are to believe those zany lip readers on TikTok.) And asking if she caught his touchdown in the third quarter.

And she’s just admiring his muscles and twinkly blue eyes.

But you can’t deny that we all saw the look of pure ick glued to her face when he sang off-key the lyrics to “You’ve got to fight for your right to paaaaarrrrty!”

Girl, I’ve been there.

If we were to bring this back to high school days, it’s the equivalent of the jock dating the music nerd. They do not mesh.

She is someone who hangs out with Ed Sheeran, for heaven’s sake.

So yes, girl, you enjoy this Jock Era you currently find yourself in, but I personally hope you return to the creative tribe who bring you life. The ones who share song credits on your album for your incredible collaborations. The ones who can turn a melody into a love song.

That’s whom I see for you, and come to think of it, I wouldn’t mind that either.

Hey, John Mayer, hit me up! Let’s make some sweet, sweet music together.